Wednesday, August 23, 2006

One or Two or Three (sometimes Five) Line Movie Reviews

Here are my one or two or three line movie reviews. I'll be updating this entry throughout the summer and bumping it back to the top.

Star means new review.

*Half Nelson: Darn the indie gods. This opened in NYC two weeks ago, but I'm still waiting for it to come to L.A. This is made worse, because NPR has been crushing on it ever since it opened, and I am sincerely jealous. Much gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes will abound until I, too, am able to witness The Notebook's Ryan Gosling hitting the crackpipe.

*Talladega Nights: The Tale of Ricky Bobby: So dumb but so funny. Strangely enough, the only wrong note was Amy Adams. I know I'm supposed to be in love with her along with the rest of the world, but it was like she was acting in an entirely different movie. Anyway, Sasha Cohen is a genius, and his performance makes up for any wrong notes in the movie.

*The Descent: Better written than most horror movies, but this one lost me at what I like to call stupid white women doing stupid white shit -- like extreme spelunking. There were no black people whatsoever in this film, and for once, I felt that was entirely appropriate.

Little Miss Sunshine: I loved this movie so much, I don't even want to talk about it, because all I will do is gush. But I will say this: Anyone who doesn't like this movie is a terrible person. And this: Olive Hoover for President. That's all.

Pirates of the Carribbean: Needlessly Extended Action Scenes + Total Audience Manipulation + Johnny Depp to Distract You From the First Two Elements = Pirates of the Carribbean. Watch the best review I've seen of this movie at AskaNinja.com.

Monster House: If you have kids under 10, do not take them to this movie. I'm 29, and I was cowering underneath for my seat most of the movie. If you can get past the heart-stopping situations, this movie has a great story, look, and such good camera work, it's almost bad, because it's kind of distracting.

The Devil Wears Prada: Okay, I and every other girl I know loved this movie. It had clothes, clothes, and (unlike Nacho Libre), a plot-line to best display those clothes. It was like a movie aimed directly at my inner girly-girl. I can only tsk at all the men that gave this a movie of bad review. "Silly Critics, Prada is for Chycks!"

A Scanner Darkly: I liked this movie a lot. Amazing look, intriguing plot. Plus, I love stories that just completely turn you off of a bad thing. Like I always figure people who committed crime after 1997 had never watched a complete season of HBO's prison-drama OZ, and after watching this movie, there's no way I'm ever touching LSD.

Superman: I had really low expectations for this, but let me tell you, it had me hooked at the opening credits. You never know how much you miss an icon until his theme music starts playing. It was a tad too long, and the Lois Lane character way too self-involved (after a five-year absence, she won't even take the time to say a proper hello to Clark Kent). But the action scenes sang operatic and the characters were actually complex. Long live Bryan Singer.

Mission Impossible 3: Good script by J.J. Abrams, but I think we're all sick of Tom Cruise.

X-Men 3: Totally okay. You won't ask for your money back.

Prarie Home Companion: My fellow blogger and friend, Kyle Wilson, called it mediocre, but I loved it. It was so touching, sweet, and melancholy, I cried and cried. Somehow, it kind of reminded me of my almost visceral reaction to my favorite movie of all time, the Seventh Seal.

District B-13: It's bad acting (I could tell even though it was in French), implausible situations, and really bad story structure. But it's so much fun, and the stunts are so awesome, you probably won't care.

Inconvenient Truth: As it turns out, the real horror film is the environment's future.

Nacho Libre: Bad and so disappointing. I love Jack Black and screenwriter, Mike White, but not enough to watch them masturbate for an hour and a half.

And now for my seven-word Poseidon review. WARNING: MAJOR SPOILER ALERT

Poseidon: I'm glad all the white people survived.

8 comments:

RB Ripley said...

I would like my money back for X-Men, please.

frank's wild lunch said...

I didn't say it wasn't loveable! In fact, I said it WAS loveable!

Ernessa T. Carter said...

Um, you called it "more loveable" than other mediocre movies, which isn't exactly a full-on "loveable." Besides, the point is that I didn't think it mediocre, and you did, which is terrible, b/c everyone knows I am always right.

frank's wild lunch said...

Except when you're not. Nyah!

JW and I are going to try to see THE HOTHOUSE tomorrow. Wanna join?

sallie said...

hmmm... I'd like to talk to you about Prarie Home Companion. I've had to wait since March to talk to anyone about it, damnit. But your review sounds much more satisfied than mine was, so I'd like to know what's up with that. Also, I loved Superman, but it had a few logistical problems, and I totally agree with your spot on observation about Lois Lane. What a bitch!

midwesterntransport said...

I saw Superman in an IMAX theatre that had 3-D. And my friends were late showing up so we had to sit in the front row.

I must report: a) Watching action scenes in 3-D will make a person sick. b) Kate Bosworth looks even more distressingly thin when on such an enormous screen. c) I think I threw up a little in my mouth during the 3-D action scenes. Yeah, I know I already said that, but still: 3-D should be banned!

frank's wild lunch said...

What about LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE???

frank's wild lunch said...

What about Quinceanera?